\u201cI’ve gone through some heavy stuff and almost lost everything trying to put on a happy face.\u201d ~ Julian Gravesande<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n I was often\u00a0called \u201cmiserable\u201d when I was growing up.<\/strong>\u00a0 I had these great teeth, and I was supposed to show them off and smile all the time\u2026 I guess.\u00a0 I chose not to.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t funny, it wasn\u2019t funny.\u00a0 If I didn\u2019t feel happy, then I wasn\u2019t going to smile.\u00a0 It is just how I was, but that translated into, \u201cone miserable child.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe have this “nuh carry yuh business outta road” mentally where we’re not supposed share our true feelings to others for fear of news carrying. At an early age, I hated this idea because sometime I was sad, upset or just quite frankly felt a hot mess and didn’t feel like putting on front.\u201d ~ Mikelah Rose<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Eventually, I started to believe what people were saying.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t change me and how I dealt with my feelings, but I believed that maybe how I dealt with my feelings was outside of the norm\u00a0– that being honest about how I was feeling would or should be frowned upon.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat used to make me unhappy was believing other people’s happiness was priority over my own. Keep smiling when your heart was breaking or you are not pleased, rather than articulate your displeasure.\u201d ~ Nerissa Golden<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n I went to visit my family in Trinidad a while back, and an aunt started telling stories about me to the kids and my husband.\u00a0 My kids sat and listened to be respectful, but my husband chose to excuse himself.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t rude, but he was over hearing what an awful kid I was.\u00a0<\/p>\n The story that got him up out of his seat was the one where I had plotted to hit my brother with a broomstick. \u00a0I had inherited my brother\u2019s hobby horse, and it took me quite a while to get on and off of it. \u00a0I was two, going on three, and short. \u00a0<\/p>\n Affiliate Link<\/a>, Image via Amazon.com – Mine was plastic, and made in like… 1970, but it was kind of like this one. <\/em><\/p>\n Affiliate Link<\/a>, Image via Amazon.com – I can’t believe they still sell these things…<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n My brother thought it would be fun to run up and hit me, then run off.\u00a0<\/strong> By the time I got off the hobby horse to exact my revenge, he was in the wind.\u00a0 I\u2019d get back on, and he\u2019d wait until I was settled, run up, whack me, and run off again.\u00a0 The hobby horse had a short stick that went into holes in the horse\u2019s head that served as a handle.\u00a0 I tried to hit him with it, but like me, it was too short.\u00a0 So I apparently replaced the short stick with a broom\u2026 and waited.\u00a0 He ran up to hit me, and rather than try to swing the stick, I just lifted it and let gravity do what it always does.\u00a0 It hit him for me, and I didn\u2019t even have to break a sweat.\u00a0 He got what was coming to him, and I got labeled as, \u201cmiserable.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI recently broke up with a Trini guy primarily for this reason. He hated that I couldn’t keep up with his ‘120% positive vibrations 120% of the time’ lifestyle. That my insistence upon sometimes being sad or mad (what I like to call reality) was too negative for him. I had to let him go\u00a0[because]I’ve spent too many years with a painted on smile while going bananas on the inside. I’ve can’t worry with other people feeling uncomfortable or awkward with my real self anymore.\u201d ~ Alysia Simone<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n When I suffered childhood injustices, usually at the hands of my older, more likeable, brother I complained.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t well received, so I was \u201cmiserable.\u201d\u00a0 A teacher asked my mother once, \u201cwhy can\u2019t Eva be more like him?\u201d\u00a0 For once, my mom stood up for me and said, \u201cbecause she is Eva.\u201d\u00a0 At least I think she was standing up for me. I wasn\u2019t there. She could have been rolling her eyes. She could have been hinting that \u201cEva\u201d was synonymous with \u201cmiserable.\u201d I choose to believe she stood up for me.<\/p>\n \u201cI had a breakdown and was crying to him because I felt all this pressure to make all these important decisions about the boys alone. Instead of letting me cry it out then offer advice or console me he kept insisting that I had to buck up, I couldn’t fall apart. All this crying wasn’t helpful, and I had to be strong and show a good face for the boys. And I’m like, \u201ccan you let me have my moment!? Can you acknowledge the pain then we can do the cheerleader stuff later?\u201d ~ Alysia Simone<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Fast forward to homeschool co-op.\u00a0 My oldest came home and told me that a teacher said that Li\u2019l Bit was disrespectful.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t imagine.\u00a0 He said, \u201cbut I took care of it.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking\u2026 oh no.\u00a0 He is so much like me\u2026 how badly did this go?\u00a0 He says, \u201cI just asked her to clarify.\u201d\u00a0 She said that Li\u2019l Bit didn\u2019t laugh when she said something funny like they did (my boys).\u00a0 He said he asked her again what Li\u2019l Bit did that was disrespectful, and she didn\u2019t have an answer.\u00a0 I asked Li\u2019l Bit about it, and she said, \u201cshe isn\u2019t funny, so I don\u2019t laugh. If I\u2019m not in a good mood, I may not be smiling.\u201d My oldest said he laughed at the teacher\u2019s jokes because if he didn\u2019t it was just too awkward, but Li\u2019l Bit doesn\u2019t have to if she doesn\u2019t want to, and that she shouldn\u2019t get in trouble for that.<\/p>\n With her, like me, you get what you get, and some people think that is a good thing.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know how Caribbean people are about “problems”. You can’t say there’s something that’s bothering you so much that you feel like giving up because they’ll brush it off and label you as having problems or \u201cyuh head en good,\u201d so you put on a front and act like you’re a [gangster].\u201d ~ Julian Gravesande<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n I like how my dad describes me, \u201cyuh wasn\u2019t easy.\u201d<\/p>\n My dad\u2019s favorite story? \u00a0I have never known my dad to walk without a cane or crutches.\u00a0 The only way he could get me off of the floor as a baby was to scoop me up under my belly when I was on my hands and knees, because it was very hard for him to bend at the hip and knees.\u00a0 I was \u201cscoopable\u201d when I was crawling, so he\u2019d try to take that opportunity to pick me up.\u00a0 Well, I caught on.\u00a0 I would see or hear him coming, and lay flat on the ground.\u00a0 He took that to mean that I was smart.\u00a0 If I didn\u2019t feel like being held, I just refused.\u00a0 I was making decisions for myself and my body.\u00a0 When he was gone, I\u2019d get up and crawl off.\u00a0 Sometimes he would pretend he was coming to get me so that I\u2019d drop flat onto my belly, because he thought it was genius, and hilarious.\u00a0 Other people hear that story and it is confirmation that I was born \u201cmiserable.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201c\u2026in the community the pressure to show a happy face is huge. \u00a0From outside I hear, \u201coh, Caribbean folk are so laid back and happy,\u201d so I’d feel some pressure to keep up that stereotype as well. I think when I hit my late 30\u2019s I realized it was too much work.\u201d ~ Alysia Simone<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n I am a generally happy person, I think that people just don\u2019t catch me in that blissful state.\u00a0 When I pull up to my house and the kids mash their faces on the glass to greet me, I smile.\u00a0 When my husband brings home key lime pie, or some weird fruit he \u201cdiscovered\u201d at the grocery store, I smile. When I see that they\u2019ve added a new season of a show I like on Netflix, you better believe I am grinning from ear to ear.<\/p>\n \u201cI grew up not caring what people who didn’t know me thought of me because my mom cared so much [about what others thought]. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I understood what she was talking about, and why, and became so consumed with appearing right for others that I lost a sense of self.\u201d ~ Mikelah Rose<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Forty was a game changer for me.\u00a0 I realized that people may not like that my feelings come out of my face, or my mouth, but that\u2019s okay.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t selfish to be honest about my feelings, because my intention isn\u2019t to cause anyone discomfort.\u00a0 I don\u2019t frown to make other people angry.\u00a0 I don\u2019t ration out my grins to purposely upset anyone.\u00a0 It\u2019s just\u2026 me.<\/p>\n \u201cNow I’m like screw everyone and everything. I’ll be unhappy when I need to and let my emotions do what they need to. The bottling up is what causes you to want to give up on everything. I speak my mind when people tell me I’m being too emotional. No one is spared from it because they are not in my shoes and can’t possibly dictate my emotions.\u201d ~ Julian Gravesande<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cI dealt with it by breathing and being still…meditating. I guess is what that was. Praying didn’t help\u2026 So I was gentle to myself and very cautious with expectations from other people.\u201d ~ Pascalle<\/p>\n \u201cI realized there’s balance, I think I’m regaining the rebellious spirit, not giving a *bleep* spirit, mixed with the mindfulness spirit, without letting the pressure overwhelm me.\u201d ~ Mikelah Rose<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cFreedom came when I realised that to be my best self required that I live happy, articulate when I was hurt and what I needed, and expect that others wanted me happy too\u2026 on my terms.\u201d ~ Nerissa Golden<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n I\u2019d be lying if I said that the Caribbean family\u2019s resilience and ability to laugh through the pain hasn\u2019t been a comfort to me at certain times.\u00a0<\/strong> Telling my dad I was pregnant (and not married or in love), trying to convince my mom to walk after knee surgery, the passing of loved ones\u2026 those have all been made more bearable with a joke or a smile.\u00a0 The difference is that when the pain is acknowledged, the smile that comes after it is somehow different.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t pretending that the feelings aren\u2019t there, but smiling in spite of them \u2013 because I want to, because I need to, not because I have to.<\/p>\n Big thanks to these amazing Caribbean women\u00a0for sharing their stories:<\/strong><\/p>\n Nerissa Golden<\/a> (Montserrat) of DiscoverMNI.com @trulynerissa on Twitter<\/a><\/p>\n Julian Gravesande<\/a> (Guyana\/US) of HouseofMoruka.com @houseofmoruka on Twitter<\/a><\/p>\n Pascalle (Trinidad\/US) at @onikapascal on Twitter<\/a><\/p>\n Mikelah Rose<\/a> (Jamaica\/US) of StyleandVibes.com @styleandvibes on Twitter<\/a><\/p>\n Alysia Simone<\/a> (Guyana\/US) of RewindandComeAgain.com @racablog on Twitter\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n Do you feel pressure to appear happy? \u00a0Do you think it is cultural? \u00a0Is there a gender factor? Weigh in in the comments!<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Earlier this year, I asked a few of my favorite Caribbean women\u00a0about the pressure we feel to appear happy all the time, and how (or if) they deal with it when they feel it. It took me almost a year after talking with these ladies to write this post.\u00a0 I realized I was still very bitter about not being allowed to feel whatever I was feeling without being labeled as “miserable.”\u00a0<\/p>\n\n
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