There are so many things that I’d like to “divorce” – break up with permanently, legally even. One of the things that I would like to divorce is my belly. We started off as friends – everything was all good. It demanded yummy things, I complied, it grew.

The Belly and I in Happier Times…

We were going along happily for a while, and then – not at all out of the blue – I couldn’t get my favorite jeans to close without the snowman effect.  If you haven’t experienced it, you’ve seen it. The waistband divides the belly between north and south – both hemispheres equally unpleasant.

I’m guessing my divorce from my tummy would be pretty low on paperwork – but by the way I have been acting (eating sugar cake, doubles, dhal pourie, cassava pone) it might not see this breakup coming. We had such a great relationship through the late 90’s…. but now? We’re through.

Me: I’ve had enough.

My belly: Enough of what?

Me: You. I’ve had enough of you.

My belly: What are you talking about? I thought we were cool?

Me: We’re not cool. I’ve been talking about getting rid of you for a long, long time.

My belly: To whom? I mean, why?

Me: To everyone. I can’t believe you haven’t heard me. Like when I’m begging my pants to close? I’m looking right down at you when I say it – you don’t hear it?

My belly: I just hear grunting…. and I ignore it mostly.

Me: Well, I’ve said it. I tell you ‘stay in’, ‘get down’, ‘move over’…. I mean – when I look at you and say “God!” you must know that I’m not actually talking TO YOU. I’m talking ABOUT YOU. Asking heaven for help.

My belly: I thought we were cool – I thought you found me cute… comforting. Like a pillow?

Me: Nope. We are breaking up, and it’s not me – it’s you.

My belly: I should have seen this coming – you don’t take me out anymore, and you make me get behind people in pictures.

Me: So you knew.

My belly: Can we just talk about this? Maybe over dinner… Ice cream sandwiches… cookies… roti?

Me: That’s it. We’re so over… well, maybe just one cookie. For old times sake.

This post was inspired by The Divorce Papers: A Novel by Susan Rieger. Young lawyer Sophie unwillingly takes her first divorce case with an entertaining and volatile client in this novel told mostly through letters and legal missives. Join From Left to Write on March 18 we discuss The Divorce Papers. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.