We believe we have good, kind, sensitive, empathetic children – until they say something unexpected… or stare… or giggle…

I remember being in a department store with my kids and a family was walking toward the exit as quickly as they possibly could.  The youngest member of the family was kicking and screaming, while the parents, who seemed embarrassed, were trying to hurry him out of the store.  I told the kids not to stare – they obeyed – but I could tell they were trying to take in the scene out of the corners of their eyes.

Mr. Social says, “Hm. He needed to get a pinch or something. You shouldn’t act like that in public, right mommy?” The other two didnt’ say a word.

“Well, not exactly.” I replied. “He couldn’t help it.”

He looked at me like I had lost my mind. “I would be in trouble if I acted like that, right?”

I didn’t know what to tell him, but by now, all three were looking at me for answers.  My oldest knew the answer, but instead of butting in like he usually does, he stayed silent – like he wanted to see how I got out of this one.

“You would be in trouble, you are right. He is different, and some things that don’t make you upset, make him upset. It could be the lights in here, loud noises, or just having to leave the store.  You never know.  It is not our job to know.”

“So why can’t I look?” asked Mr. Social.

“Is looking going to help?”

“No, I just want to see,” he explained.

“Did it look like his parents were having a hard time getting him out of the store?”

“Yes,” says Mr. Social.

“If you are having a hard time doing something, do you want someone to stare at you while you do it?”

“No,” he said – a little taken aback.

“So you mind your business, and let them take care of theirs.  If you can hold a door or they ask you to help, do that.  Otherwise, you mind your own business.”

By now I was getting annoyed. His questions were perfectly valid, but I felt unprepared to answer them.  I was annoyed that I didn’t have time to prepare a more eloquent, sensitive, educated reply.

Later in the day, I was able to think about it, and I brought the kids in to have a chat.  I asked them if they knew what “special needs” meant.  The youngest two didn’t.  I proceeded to explain that no two people are alike. I told them that if everyone in the world was the same, it would be a pretty boring place to live. Some people learn faster than others, some run faster than others… and some people will never walk the way that they do. I talked to them about their grandpa (has ankylosing spondylitis), who I only remember with a cane – and now the kids only know him with crutches.

“Do you feel sorry for Grandpa?”

“Noooooo!” they all said – and looked at me like they were confused.  The youngest says, “he has muscles that are as big as your HEAD!”

“Does he walk like everyone else?” I asked.

“I guess not,” says the Mr. Social.

“Would you want people staring at him when you guys are hanging out?”

The oldest one looked like a flash of anger came over him.  None of them answered. The oldest frowned.

“Of course you wouldn’t.  You love him – he is your grandpa – no matter how he gets around.  I want you to think about that when you see someone who looks different from you, walks different, talks different, or has a harder time doing things that you think are easy.  If you wouldn’t want them staring at you and your family, you don’t stare at them.”

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Share your thoughts on the topic in the comment section.  Here are some questions for further discussion.

Do you have children or adults with special needs or disabilities in your family?

Have you taught your children to be sensitive to people with special needs?

Have you talked to other parents of special needs kids to find out what bothers them the most when they are approached by parents of more mainstream kids?

Do you talk to your children about the differences in abilities of their classmates or people in their neighborhood?

What would you say if your child used the word “retarded” as a slur or “put down” and your heard it?

Growing up, were you taught to be empathetic about the disabled?

What do you suggest that we do as parents to make sure that our kids are kind and sensitive individuals?